Episode 5: When Responsibility Becomes Self-Abandonment
Hello, and thank you for being here today with me and taking the time to invest in yourself. Lately, one question that I've been thinking about is — how does self-abandonment hide inside responsibility, reliability, and success? And what I've come to conclude, and what I've realized and what I've seen as patterns with other people that I've worked with, as well as myself, is that there's a point when saying yes when you want to say no feels more responsible in the moment. And that can lead toward more self-abandonment. So as an example — I'm talking interpersonal dynamics here. This could be within work, family, business, social, you name it. But it's the time when someone has asked you to do something, or you want to do something, and internally there is a no, but you say yes. And that's what we're going to explore today, and how that can lead to self-abandonment when we do not choose to vocalize what we want, which would be the no.
So in that moment, there is a subtle moment where the no does arise internally. And sometimes we can hear it. Sometimes we can't hear it, because of how long it's been since we've honored that decision. But what will happen is there's a plethora of potential emotions we might feel — anxiety, guilt, shame, resentment. There could be a number of different emotions that we may feel in the moment. But rather than speaking our truth and saying what we truly want, what we do is we say yes to honor the relationship and to keep that identity intact. So really, what we're doing is managing the other person's response in order to reinforce the identity that has been created — to enable us to continue to be the responsible one, the successful one, the one who has it all together, the one that can do everything. Whatever that identity is that attaches meaning to responsibility. Because what happens is that responsibility — that quote unquote identity — leads toward getting value out of providing for others.
So we start to derive our sense of self-worth from what we can do for others rather than from an internal sense. And so the internal narrative is like — I'm just being responsible. But it's actually going against our innate nature. So we're actually slowly eroding the self-trust in our decision-making and in listening to ourselves. And I just want to make it clear as well that this is not about laziness or selfishness. This is really about the people that pride themselves on being reliable and are unable to choose for themselves because they are choosing reliability first. And so in doing so, by being reliable, they believe that they are protecting the relationship. So by saying yes, that equals being responsible. And that responsibility gives you worth, because you're reliable for other people. And so what happens is when we start to think about maybe saying no, or doing something different, we don't do it — because we think that by stopping the pattern we've created with others, it's going to damage the relationship. And so we act to continue the behavior that we've created within the relationship. And so we're trying to protect the other person.
So when we say yes and we want to say no, what we're doing is outsourcing our decision-making. We're outsourcing our authority in life to appease someone else. And that could be because, as I mentioned, we don't want the relationship to erode. We're unsure how the other person is going to react, so that could come with some emotional waves or discomfort as well. And also, when we are used to saying yes when we want to say no, we don't know how to manage or have that continued conversation with someone after we say no — because we haven't flexed those muscles yet. So even just the thought of saying no can be hard, because we don't know how to show up in that conversation and hold our own ground, have our own back essentially.
And so through this we start to think about the other person and how they're going to react more than ourselves. We start to think — well, maybe they're going to react poorly, and that's going to mean something about me. That's going to mean that I'm less worthy, I'm less valuable, I'm less than in some way for this person. And so we're creating this cycle where we're saying yes just to maintain the relationship, even though it may not be the best relationship because it might be one-sided.
And as we're going through this, as I mentioned, there could be multiple emotions that come up — guilt, shame, different things like that. If we say no. And so in the moment, what people are doing is overriding their instinct to say no and calling it maturity. No one calls it self-abandonment — they label it kindness, dependability, leadership, adulthood. Because the behavior gets socially reinforced. But underneath it all, it really is a form of self-abandonment, which is eroding your self-trust and your ability to stand for yourself as you move forward. So the real cost in this kind of situation is the erosion of self-trust. Responsibility driven by fear is self-abandonment in disguise.
So each time we override, we start to teach the body that our instincts aren't safe to follow. Every time we hear our internal no, it either becomes quieter or we don't understand the emotion and what it's supposed to be for us. Because emotions are our signals — that's what they're meant to do. They're meant to help us see if we're on path or off path, and what we need to correct or how we're managing a certain situation. So if we're not labeling the emotion properly, then we're going to misunderstand what it's trying to tell us in that moment.
And so this could come up as anxiety, and we might label that anxiety as — oh, I have to say yes, or else. But it also could be — I don't want to say yes, but I'm going to say yes, and that's going against me. That's the actual way to hear it, and the way to actually interpret that signal. But over time, as we override it and the instinct isn't as clear for us, it's not as strong — that internal no becomes quieter and quieter and quieter. And then our decision-making really becomes externally referenced, because we're not listening to it.
As this keeps going, our self-trust weakens, and it gets harder to say no instead of yes in those situations. It gets harder to choose for ourselves rather than outsource our decision-making, because it's the easier path and what we've just been used to doing. And then, as this perpetuates a bit further — when you're saying yes but you want to say no, you're starting to rely on others and how they respond to you to dictate how you feel. We're outsourcing our emotions. We're outsourcing our worth and our value in response to how other people see us.
When you are internally valuable and have a lot to provide, you don't need that external reference. Mind you, as humans, I know many of us do like that external validation. But one thing I will share here is that if we continue along this path over time, it really does become harder to choose for yourself. It gets harder and harder and harder, because you're going closer to the easier path. And then when we do want to say no, we are flooded by all these emotions and signals and we just don't know how to interpret them in the moment.
The one thing I do want to share is that when you do start to stand for yourself, the relationship doesn't collapse. Your internal relationship increases. You start developing more capacity for yourself. And you'll start to see that as you begin to stand for yourself and say no instead of saying yes in those moments, you're getting more agency, you're getting more authority in your life. And then of course others are going to move with that and respond differently, potentially. But you have the strength to manage those situations. It's just that we haven't done it as much, so it can feel a little bit more scary or uncomfortable. And the other thing is that we might also see that if we start doing this and relationships change, that's also a clue about the type of relationship that you've been living within.
So the real key here that we want to integrate is knowing that self-trust is rebuilt by tolerating the emotional weight of saying no. The first few times we do it, when we're used to saying yes, it is going to feel a bit uncomfortable. And that is not saying that you did anything wrong. It's just new. It's a new response, a new behavior that you're doing, and it can be uncomfortable. And that's okay. That's part of our journey — being able to embrace some of the discomfort that comes along the way. And this goes along with recreating our identity. Because when we want to act through our own authentic identity, we need to be comfortable with the emotions that we feel when we say no. That is one of the trickier parts.
And I do want to reinforce also that when you say no, another person's reaction does not mean anything about you. You cannot control another person's reaction. You can only speak your truth and be as honest as you can. We cannot control how other people respond to us. So we really want to keep that in the back of our mind as we're moving forward.
Along with this, I also want to share that being reliable and being responsible does not make you equal in value. That just puts you in someone else's spokes to see how you can be of benefit to them in their life. And so when becoming more authentic with ourselves and saying no, it doesn't mean you're abandoning the relationship. It just really means that you're strengthening the relationship with yourself. And the people that value that and want to see that within you — they will still be around when you start to say no. They will understand.
Along with this too, I want to be clear that when we say no, it's not usually a big thing. We make it out to be a bigger thing than it actually is. And that's just because we're not used to it and the responses. Now maybe there are some situations where people are a bit of a loose cannon, and they may not respond in the way that we want. And that's just where we need to be ready for that as well. That's fine — that's how they are. That means nothing about you. If that's a repeated behavior, that's all them — that's not you.
And so as we go through this, it really becomes about the ability to tolerate the emotions that you're going to feel as you go through this. And there are going to be some emotions in the moment. After the engagement has kind of ended, there might be further emotions or other thoughts that kind of come in. But as we work through managing our emotions, redirecting our thoughts, being mindful of how we're thinking, we're going to be able to process this a lot quicker every time that we do it. So the more that we do it, the more we strengthen our own internal self-trust and the ability to continue to act in alignment with ourselves as we continue to move forward.
And just a reminder here — saying no does not mean you're abandoning the relationship. It means that you're finally choosing yourself within it.
And so I'm going to leave you with this question: if stopping saying yes feels like it would damage the relationship, what has the relationship been built upon?
The moment you stop managing everyone else's reaction is the moment you start rebuilding trust within yourself. As always, if something resonated here with you today, let it sit, let it settle. There's no need to start acting on anything right away today.
If something in this episode landed and you've been sitting with your Human Design for a while but still find it hard to actually live it — a Human Design Integration Session might be the next right step. It's not another layer of learning. It's a conversation about how your design is already showing up in your life, and what's getting in the way of living from it. I hope you have an amazing day.