Episode 4: When Consistency Becomes Self-Abandonment
Hello, and thank you for being here with me today. Today what we're going to be examining is another piece that I've seen within myself and others when we are looking to live more in alignment — and one of our identities is kind of holding us back a bit. And what we're going to really examine is how consistency can become a substitute for alignment while we are working towards creating a more fulfilling life and one that's more aligned with who we're meant to be.
So one of the challenges that I see is that a lot of us are high functioning, we're really good at what we do, and so consistency is definitely one of the pieces of it — because there is going to be that output component of it. The potential challenge comes when we start to equate consistency with our value, with integrity. Because sometimes that might start to mutate into more of an armor for ourselves. And this is completely normal. This happens for all of us, because it would be very hard for us to create the lives we have created without being consistent in who we are and in the output we've created so far.
But the question to really think about is — are you being consistent in the right direction or not? That's something that can definitely be worthwhile examining here. So one thing to remember here as well is that your consistent effort does not create your value in the world. How you're showing up, whether it's consistent or not — that's up to you and the identity that you're creating. And maybe it might be time to reflect on where we've been showing up and being consistent where it's not been so fruitful for us. Because one thing to keep in mind is that consistency feels good. It feels virtuous. It feels mature. It's responsible. The issue with it is that it's externally rewarded. It's not an internal recognition system. So when we're consistent, we're being consistent for other people — we're looking for that external result, that input from other people.
So along that thread, consistency really says stay the course. Whereas alignment is asking — is this still true? So when we distill it, consistency is the external validation, as I mentioned, and alignment is the piece that requires the internal authority. As we've been talking about in past episodes — where are we deriving our decision-making from? Is it from our internal authority, or are we outsourcing it to another authority?
And so maybe some ways that this may be showing up, or some examples of how you might be able to relate or see this in yourself or others — it could be maybe the high performer who never quits. They're always going after that goal, and then once they reach the goal they're on to the next one, and they just keep going, going, going. Another example could be maybe the reliable partner who never rocks the boat — they're always in agreement, kind of people pleasing, not standing up for what's true for them because they're scared to challenge the relational dynamics at the time. It could also be the disciplined entrepreneur who never pivots — they've got their vision in mind and they're steadfast on it, which is great. However, there are definitely times where we need to be able to reassess and know if we are still on the right path. Or even maybe the steady leader who just never questions direction — if they get the direction, they just keep going. If we don't take time to assess where we're going and we just value the consistency part of it, then that can definitely start to mask things for us.
So really what I'm sharing and what we're going to start to discuss is that this episode is really about the moment where consistency mutates into self-abandonment. And I'm sure many of you, like myself, see consistency as integrity. But it can slightly mutate into more of that armor, that self-abandonment, because we want to maintain what we've created. And so we're going to explore whether that's what we want to continue to hang on to or not.
And so one of the challenges that we face when we're looking at the consistency angle and our identity is that a lot of times when we have something shift internally, we start to think that the problem is readiness or clarity, or maybe a lack of discipline. When in reality, what might actually be going on is that we're over-disciplined in the wrong direction. And this is what it kind of comes back to. Consistency is great when it's in alignment. So we need to be able to take a pause at times and reflect — are we still being consistent in a way that's true for us?
I know many of us equate consistency with integrity, which is great in certain situations. But if that becomes the identity of who we are, then that's where we've stretched it too far. So consistency is great as a behavior. But when we start to identify as a consistent person and that becomes ingrained in our identity, that's where it becomes much harder to change. That's where we become more patterned with it, and we want to be the person who is consistent whether or not that's actually true for us. And so that identity, once again as I've shared before, becomes that externally focused identity rather than internal alignment focused.
And so if we continue to go along with outer alignment, we're not going to get that internal alignment that will fill in that piece of joy and what we really want to experience out of life.
So I just really want to share that there's nothing wrong with being consistent. Consistency is great. It's helped us build the lives we have created. It's more a matter of looking at how it's created into our identity and whether we're acting from that identity. And so sometimes what happens as well when we're going through this — some people might feel that their consistency builds a momentum, and that the momentum means they're becoming aligned. But that may not actually be true. You can build momentum and be completely misaligned. So we need to make sure that we're not following a path just because it's giving us something like momentum — we still need to check if that's the right path for us.
And sometimes another challenge that might come up is that stopping or changing your direction might feel like failure. Sometimes reassessing feels like weakness, or even potentially like a failure in a sense where you didn't plan properly, or you should have gone another way. But of course, we make our best decisions with the information we have at the time. I think that the strongest people are the ones that are willing to reassess their plans and see when and where they need to adjust the course. No path is linear — it's all a journey. So we need to be able to look back and ask — am I still on the right path? Did I make the right decision now, from where I'm at and what I know now? Am I still aligning with where I'm going?
And this does not mean that quitting equals regression, or that changing equals anything negative. Sometimes actually changing your direction is the catalyst that's going to propel you back onto the right path — the one that's true for you. So these are all things we need to keep in mind. And of course I'm coming from the idea that this is all coming from your internal truth. We're not quitting because it's hard or things like that — it's just not the right path for us anymore. And learning to distill that information is going to be very important.
So sometimes you might hear yourself saying, or hear others saying — I just need to stay committed. Or I can't give up now. Or I've already come this far, why would I change? Or it would look too bad to change. And if you catch yourself or your mind saying these kinds of things, you can start to see where the consistency has mutated into the identity, and where it's actually starting to lead toward more self-abandonment rather than self-expression and alignment.
A few other ways that this might show up could be maybe trying to finish a project or something that no longer fits. Staying in an environment out of reputation rather than what's true for you. Maintaining routines just to avoid the recalibration, or having to think or do things a little bit differently. And the most significant one is really just continuing because it's expected. When we examine these, we're looking and we can see that these are all reactions from external authorities — we're not being true to ourselves. And that's kind of what I'm trying to share through this — the consistency aspect is great to build what we need to build, but we need to make sure that it doesn't become a value piece for us, that it doesn't become how we derive value in ourselves or how we measure our integrity. Because if we're not aligned, it's just not going to create what we're looking to create out of it.
And so with this, I want to share that it's okay to question. It's okay to reassess. It's okay to look at your path. There's a lot of motivational or inspirational content out there in the personal growth industry that glorifies not quitting — keep going, keep going, keep going. Which I definitely agree with, if it's aligned. But that's where we need to make sure that we have those stop points to check that what we are creating is actually true for us. We might start something this year, build it for one or two years, and then realize that we've just outgrown it. And if we continue along that path, we may be underserving ourselves. And so it's really about having the courage, the willingness, the ability, the desire, the strength, and the fortitude to look and see if it's right for you — and to have the courage and the decision-making to decide if you're going to continue along that path or not.
I like to bring awareness. I'm not telling you what you need to do. You can make your own decisions as you develop your own awareness through it.
Another way that I'm going to encourage you to look at this and reframe what's going on is that consistency becomes a substitute for alignment when you're protecting an identity that matters more than honoring your truth. Not so subtle a shift here. So consistency can feel sacred — it can become sacred — when alignment feels destabilizing. When we're used to being consistent, we've got our routines, we've got our patterns, we've got our behaviors. And then when we start to try to move toward alignment, it challenges the status quo. It makes us rock a little bit. And that's okay. That's completely fine. That's what it's meant to do. So it's something to keep in the back of your mind as you're going through and working towards acting in alignment — that consistency piece is likely going to feel a bit threatened. And that's okay. That's not going to necessarily threaten the identity of what you're creating. But what it's really doing is threatening the identity that you've created, and asking whether that identity is still in alignment with who you are becoming.
And so the nuance, as I was mentioning, is fairly subtle. There's the consistency in our behavior, which is great. But when it becomes fused into our identity, then it can definitely lead to more self-sabotage — because we're trying to maintain an identity that we've created that's not in alignment with who we are becoming. And so when we find ourselves in situations it can feel threatening. You may have to reassess what change might mean in your social networks and the people that you are close with. Pausing or slowing down for a lot of people who have been building momentum can feel like regression. But one thing I always love to talk about is the slingshot — sometimes you need to take a few steps back to catapult yourself forward. And if that's what this can do for you, then it's definitely worthwhile to identify how your consistency is showing up — if it's showing up as true integrity in who you want to be, or if you're really leaning into more self-abandonment and self-sabotage because you're not making the decisions that are true for you and where you want to be going.
And some other things that happen with this — effort will replace truth. That's a piece that we really need to be attuned to, because we don't need to effort our way through things when we are aligned properly with who we are. Our decision-making and effort is not the thing that leads to our results when we're acting in alignment — it's just all natural for us. And sometimes when the discipline replaces discernment, it can often show up internally as — I'm staying committed. Meaning, I'm afraid to reassess. So we need to be mindful of what we're really saying to ourselves, what are the thoughts going on in our mind, and what's the actual deeper layer. Are we actually afraid to act in alignment with who we are and who we are becoming, because that might destabilize some structures in our life?
And so as we look at it at the deeper layer — our identity becomes fused with consistency, and so it's even harder to change. And that's where the self-sabotage comes in, because you are acting out of being consistent and feeling that that gives you value and integrity, rather than acting from what's true for you — which is what actually gives you more of that integrity and value as you expand.
And so oftentimes as well, consistency is predictable, and so it becomes safe for us. And so that safety is maybe something that we gravitate toward rather than the uncertainty of alignment. And so that safety starts to become a belonging. And then that belonging resists the disruption. So there's a cycle, there's a pattern. And as we continue to drive down that highway, it strengthens that highway. So we need to be willing to shake that up. But also, as I've shared in the past, it's really the first part — just being aware of it, catching yourself, being aware and questioning what's really going on.
And I want to reassure you here that by doing so, this is not lazy. This is not weakness. It's not a lack of courage. What it is — it's identity protection and understanding. What is your identity? Which identity are you living with? And are you living in alignment with your true self, and being able to choose if that's the identity you want to continue to live with or not?
So just want to re-emphasize one more time — it's not that once we start to learn more about ourselves and we want to make changes that it has anything to do necessarily with readiness or clarity or discipline. It's really more a matter of understanding the consistent patterns we've established, and whether they have become a substitute for alignment when your identity matters more than honoring the truth. This is a self-preservation act. That's all. And that's why we're bringing this up today.
Now to move forward — once we understand the awareness piece, alignment requires the willingness to question what you've once made valuable. So it just requires us to assess and question what we've been doing. How are we deriving value, integrity, and identity, and how have they potentially become fused? So for the record, I'm definitely not saying we need to abandon responsibility, reject discipline, or start to become inconsistent. It's about understanding why we're being consistent, in what direction it's bringing us, and what it's doing either for or against us.
So it's completely fine to reassess without shame. This is part of the identity evolution process. This is part of how we grow. Because when we change and upgrade and mutate our identity — however you want to label it — we do have to shed our old skin to grow into that new version of ourselves. And in order to do that, we need to understand what patterns and structures we've been living with that are keeping us bound to that old identity. Because that old identity has been developed, and it can be hard to change. The longer we let it go, the longer it develops, and the harder it can be to change — whether or not we want to. But once we have the discernment of what's going on and whether we're living in alignment, then we can start to make the choice of whether we're going to make the change. And this is just how the identity process works.
So as we're wrapping up here, a few reflections to consider as you're thinking about how this may apply to you — or maybe if you might see it in others, because sometimes that's a great way of learning as well. Maybe some things to think about are — where are you finishing something that you've outgrown? Where does commitment feel heavier than honest? And what would shift if reassessing didn't mean failing? Just a few things for us to ponder here.
And I just want to remind you — consistency in itself is powerful. It has helped, I'm sure, both you and myself create what we have created in our lives. However, we need to be mindful of when that consistency becomes our identity and then leads to self-abandonment — because it is a slippery slope, but there's a fine line to it. So I'm going to encourage you to bring more awareness to this, to think about it in your daily actions and reactions, and in how you're going through your day.
So I just want to remind you that there's nothing we need to act on right now. If this resonated with you, great — sit with it, stay with it, and give it some time. You don't need to change anything today. We're generating awareness and cultivating that space for you to decide what to do next.
So just notice where commitment feels heavier than alignment.
If something in this episode landed and you've been sitting with your Human Design for a while but still find it hard to actually live it — a Human Design Integration Session might be the next right step. It's not another layer of learning. It's a conversation about how your design is already showing up in your life, and what's getting in the way of living from it. I hope you have an amazing day.