Episode 2: Alignment Isn’t a Feeling, It’s the Ability to Choose
What I want to discuss today is alignment, and what happens when we are learning to live into alignment and the gap that exists while we're still learning to choose for ourselves. Because there are often times — and I'm sure maybe you've experienced this — where we've learned so much more about ourselves, we're trying to integrate it as best we can, and then life asks us to respond. And we find ourselves in a situation we don't want to be in — where maybe we're eating a dinner we didn't want to have today because we said yes to someone already. And so we're finding that there are these friction points with acting in alignment once we actually know what that means for ourselves.
So this episode is really about what happens in the moment when a response is required, because that's where the growth is really going to be happening for all of us.
So what happens here is that when we are learning to live in alignment with ourselves, what we're actually having to do is break the chains of the conditioned responses that we've already established within our lives.
Now, when you hear me say conditioning, that's not a judgmental thing. It's not saying that you need to change or anything like that. That's just a way of sharing that you were already kind of pre-programmed without your own intention behind it — so that you understand that you may be acting out of something that was like a program installed by somebody else and not your own. And so we're conditioned by that. And as we are working towards living in alignment, we need to uncouple from that, to decondition from what we've learned from external sources — maybe family, friends, schools, as we're growing up — so that we can actually instill the program that works for us, which is that overall alignment.
And so because of the early conditioning, what will happen is when you're in the moment of looking to make a decision, oftentimes rather than acting in alignment when we're stepping into it, there's that friction. And the friction really comes from the gap between the identity of who we were before and who we are now. And so there is a disconnect between that when we're starting to really step in. And so in that moment when you're being asked to respond, that's when we really need to be focused on making that choice.
So a lot of times what happens throughout life is, as I mentioned, we get conditioned. We get conditioned to respond quickly. We get conditioned to make it easy, to comply with other people's beliefs, to go with what's easy. And that oftentimes goes against us. But until we can key into listening to our body and ourselves and understand what that really is, we can continue to go along that cycle of following other people and what they've told us and what we believe is right for us based on other people.
So this is one of the big challenges with alignment — really deconditioning from what you've been told, and really living into what's actually right for you.
And so what's really happening in the moment when you're being asked to respond is — are you able to respond for yourself, or are you shifting the authority to somebody else? And sometimes when we're asked to respond, there could be urgency, there could be expectations, there's social pressure. And that actually impacts how we respond and who we're being in that moment. Because at that point we're looking to maintain the identity that we've created.
When we're looking to live more in alignment, we are going to have to go through a bit of an identity upgrade. And sometimes when we upgrade, we need to break things down a bit. And so in doing so, people are going to act differently toward you. And that is the hardest part for everybody, because we've created the life we've created, and we occupy a certain role in everybody's lives. And when we stop responding in a certain way and we start doing things differently, we break that mold for somebody else, and they are triggered by it. And so this is where they may try to pull us back and actually inhibit our own growth. And this is where it's challenging for a lot of people.
This is what I call the crab in the bucket analogy. I don't know if you've ever heard of it, but if you put a bunch of crabs in a bucket, one of them is going to try to climb out, and all the other crabs are going to pull that one crab back in. And that's not to say that the people in your life don't want you to succeed and move forward — I'm sure they do — but they just don't know how to properly support you. And that's because you fill a specific role in their life. And so when you start to change, that causes uncertainty for them, and it's uncomfortable for them. So as we're growing and integrating into the alignment of who we are, we need to be ready for this. Because there is the discomfort of actually making the decisions for ourselves, which can be very uncomfortable at different times. But then there's also the other side of it — how are people actually responding to us, and how are we going to hold that energy when we are in the moment?
And this is where it really comes down to our whole nervous system, our ability to sit with it, to be able to process the emotions, and to know that any emotion is valid in the moment. Nothing is good or bad — we just need to process it, and be willing and courageous enough to process it, so that we can bridge the identity gap and move into the alignment that's true for us. The alignment that's something you intentionally want out of life, not what you've been told is right for you in life.
And so one of the things to keep in mind with this is that we all respond differently. And when we're in the moment of making a decision, we need to be able to discern how we make our decisions. People decide differently. Some people are able to have that in-the-moment knowing, and that's just how they know it's right for them. Some people have an internal bodily feeling, and they just know that's right for them. Other people need to feel into it and take a moment to see if it's right for them — let their body feel into the decision. And some people need to talk out their decision. And so we're all different along these lines. We can't assume that one person is going to fit into all of these. You have your own way of making decisions, and once you learn what that is, then it's the practice of adhering to that and doing it the best you can. And it's all just trial and error as we go through things.
Maybe we start with small decisions — something like what you want to have for dinner — and we just kind of play along with that, and we pay attention to how our body feels in that moment and how we respond in that moment. If we do feel anything uneasy, we learn from it, we let it sit, and we want to sit with that emotion and process it. And then we can let it go. That's what it's all about. And the more that we do this, the more we show ourselves that we're confident in ourselves, that we're willing to sit with the discomfort — the more we're going to show up for ourselves, the more we're going to have our own back, the more confident we're going to be to continue to make these decisions for ourselves.
So it's really a matter of — first, are you responding to someone or an outer authority that's not true to you? And then having the knowing between that. Because that's the first thing — the awareness piece. We need to have the awareness of whether we're truly making decisions in alignment with who we are. And if we are, okay, great. Then from there, it comes into how are we holding that space for ourselves? How are we responding when it gets uncomfortable? When we say no and the other person wants us to say yes, and they're used to us saying yes — how do we respond in that situation?
This could be an example from my own life. Because I've been going through this and really leaning into my own Projector nature from a Human Design perspective. I'm a Projector, and I've been really learning and integrating this over the past six years now. So I'm starting to get a better feel for it, but it's taken some time. And as an example — even right now, I know that aside from creating this podcast, I'm just in a position where I need to rest. I'm coming off some big life changes, and my body was able to manage it well, but I know I just need to take a little bit of downtime before I move forward.
So as an example — this past weekend, somebody asked me if I wanted to get together and play Catan. It's a fun board game, great strategy, brings up a little competitive edge — I love playing it. Old me would have said yes immediately — opportunity, let's go, let's do it. New me got the invitation, let my body lean into it, thought about it for myself, talked it through with myself. And I realized in the moment that as much as it would be great to go and be social, I just needed to rest. Because I knew that if I went out it was going to be a late night, I wasn't going to sleep as well, and it was going to impact the next day — and there were things I wanted to do the following day. So in that moment I made the decision — the best thing for me right now is actually not to go and play Catan, and to stay home and rest, get myself ready for the next day, and carry on that way.
In theory, making these kinds of decisions is simple. But in actual practicality, it can be challenging — especially in the situation where the older identity is still present. And for a lot of people in that situation, or even my old self, saying no would have brought up a lot of scary thoughts. Like — I'm no longer going to be invited, or they're going to think things of me, or whatever the brain is going to tell us that's negative about the situation. But it's all untrue. They were understanding. They didn't mind. I was able to carry on with my evening, just have a relaxing evening. They had a good time, and one of the boys reached out the next day and didn't care at all — in the sense that my identity wasn't shattered, my relationship with them wasn't shattered, nothing like that. They just responded — cool, no big deal, we'll carry on without you. And so these are the kinds of situations that really help us to live into alignment with ourselves, and being willing to experience these different situations and the potential feelings and thoughts that may come with them.
So the big thing that a lot of people think about alignment is that they think it's about feeling good and being clear. But really, what alignment is about is the ability to choose for yourself when a response is required. That's it. Are you making decisions truly for yourself, or for someone else? And when you can pinpoint that — that's the crux. When you can continue to make the decisions for yourself, you're going to steer your life in alignment and things are going to naturally evolve in the way they're supposed to for you.
With this — and don't get me wrong — there can be some breakdown along the way. Maybe some friends fall off, or acquaintances, or different things. But if that's the case, they just weren't meant for you, because you were occupying a piece of their life that just wasn't meant to be — because that wasn't truly who you are.
So as we do step into alignment and into our true self, there are going to be some things that happen along the way. But the big thing I want to share with you is that when you have the willingness and the courage to really step in for yourself, to align for yourself, things naturally start to unfold in a way that brings more ease, more joy. And you're not second-guessing yourself as much. You're not beating yourself up as much. You're not having all the shame or the guilt or all the different negative feelings that come from going to the party when you didn't want to go to the party, or accepting that invitation to go somewhere you didn't actually want to be. These are the things that are important. Just because we get an invitation doesn't mean we need to be there. We need to go where our energy wants to go, and we need to listen to our energy.
And so when we're going through this whole process of integrating alignment, that's what I'm talking about. We can learn about ourselves and understand who we are, but the integration piece is the part that takes time. And this is where — at least for me — I white-knuckled it for a while trying to do it myself. Then I figured I needed to get some assistance, just as a sounding board to make sure I was doing things the right way, to make sure I wasn't making mistakes. Because sometimes the mind is going to tell us things, and we want to make sure we're not latching onto that. Because remember, our mind is not built to thrive — our mind is built to survive. What that means is our mind is really looking for threats in our environment and trying to keep us small and safe. So we need to override that to really thrive in life. And I'll get into that probably in another episode as well.
But for right now, I think it's just good to key in on the piece that alignment isn't always about feeling good or always choosing the right decisions. It's really about the ability to choose for yourself when you need to make a decision. And can you hold that internally with yourself? That is the growth. That is the integration piece. Every time we do this, we strengthen our decision-making muscles and we get more confident with the process.
So just a few other ways that this might be showing up — maybe, as I've been sharing, this could be as simple as saying yes when you want to say no. Maybe finding yourself in places or commitments that you didn't want to be in. It could be over-committing yourself to work, social obligations, family obligations, that sort of thing. And even just not feeling good about your response after the fact — if you say yes and you kind of know that you don't feel good about it, these are all signs. These are all signs, and that's the one thing I want to leave you with today. When we're picking up on these things, just remember they are signs, they are clues, they are helping us to align. As we're talking about alignment, we want to be very attentive to the emotions we have, because our emotions are signals. So when you're making decisions — do you feel okay about the decision? Do you feel bad? Do you feel great? These are things to key into, because those are all your body telling you what's right for you.
So I just want to remind you that if you're sensing that this is going on, nothing has gone wrong. You're just starting to awaken yourself, bring more awareness to how life has steered you in a certain direction, and you are getting back in the driver's seat and gaining control of the wheel. That's what it is. That's all.
So this is something we want to test over and over again. As you start to make those decisions more for yourself, they will get easier and easier, and you're going to start to know what's right for you. So really, the alignment piece is your ability to choose for yourself when you're asked to respond to life. And how are we doing that?
There are multiple different ways we can do this. Looking into your Human Design is a great way of understanding how you make your right decisions, what's true for you, and that sort of thing.
And finally, as we're closing today, I just want to remind you that when you are tested to live in alignment with yourself and you don't make the aligned choice in that moment, your alignment and your growth don't disappear. Nothing like that is happening. You're just being tested on it. That's what it is. Each time an opportunity arises, it's an opportunity for you to test yourself, your resolve, your willingness to choose for yourself. And that's really what this is all about — being able to live the life that you want, by being courageous enough to live into the life that's right for you, by being able to choose what's best for yourself.
If something resonated with you today, great — sit with it. There's nothing you need to do with it right now. If you think that someone else might benefit from this, great — share it with them. Otherwise, I just hope you have a great day.
If something in this episode landed and you've been sitting with your Human Design for a while but still find it hard to actually live it — a Human Design Integration Session might be the next right step. It's not another layer of learning. It's a conversation about how your design is already showing up in your life, and what's getting in the way of living from it. I hope you have an amazing day.