Hello, and thank you for being here today with me and taking the time to invest in yourself. Lately, one thing that I've been kind of- one question that I've been thinking about is, how does self-abandonment hide inside responsibility, reliability, and success? And what I've come to, I guess, conclude for, I guess, and what I've realized and what I've seen as patterns with other people that I've worked with, you know, myself, as well, is that there's, there's a point when saying yes, when you want to say no feels more responsible in the moment, and that can lead towards more self-abandonment. So, as an example, right? Like, I'm talking interpersonal Dynamics. This could be within work, um, family, business, social, you name it, but it's the time when someone's asked you that to do something, or, if you want to do something, and internally there is a no, but you say, yes, and that's what we're going to explore today, and how that can lead to self-abandonment, when we do not choose to to vocalize what we want, which would be the yes. 

 

So, in that moment, there is a subtle moment where the node does arise internally.

And sometimes we can hear it. Sometimes we can't hear it because of how long it's been since we've honored that, that decision. But what will happen is there's a there's a plethora of potential emotions we might feel anxiety. We might feel guilt, we might feel shame, we might feel resentment.

 

There could be a number of different emotions that we may feel in the moment, but, rather than speaking our truth and saying what we truly want, what we do, is we, we say, yes, to honor the relationship and to keep that identity intact. Right. So really, what we're doing is we're managing the other person's response to what we're doing, uh to, to reinforce the identity that has been created to enable us to continue to be the responsible one, the successful one, the one who's going all together- the one that can do everything, whatever that identity, is that that attaches meaning to responsibility. Because what happens is that responsibility, uh, quote, unquote, kind of identity leads towards getting value out of providing for others.

 

So, we start to derive our sense of self-worth about what we can do for others rather than an internal sense. And so, the internal narrative is, like, I'm just being responsible. But it's actually you're going against your innate nature, so we're actually slowly eroding the self-trust. Um, in our in our decision making and listening to ourselves, and so I just want to make it clear as well that this is not about laziness, selfishness.

 

This is really about the people that pride themselves on being reliable and are unable to choose for themselves because they are choosing reliability first. And so, in doing so, by being reliable, they believe that they are protecting the relationship. So there's by saying, yes, you know that equals being responsible, and that responsibility gives you, uh, worth, because you're reliable for other people, and so what happens is when we start to think about maybe saying, no, or doing something different, we, we're not saying that because we think that by stopping the pattern that we've created with others is going to damage the relationship, and so we we act to continue the behavior that we've created within the relationship, and so we're trying to protect the other person.

 

So, when we say, yes, and we want to say no. What we're doing is, we're outsourcing our decision making. We're outsourcing our, um, our authority in life to to appease someone else, and that could be because we either don't. Like I mentioned, we don't want their relationship to erode.

 

We're unsure how the other person is going to react so that could maybe come with some emotional waves or discomfort as well. And also, when we are used to saying yes, we want to say no. We don’t know how to manage or have that continued conversation with someone after we say no, because we haven't flexed those muscles yet.

 

So, even just the thought of saying, no, can be hard because we don't know how to show up in that conversation and hold our own ground. Hold our, hold our- have our own back essentially.

 

And so through this we start to think about the other person and how they're going to react more than ourselves, right? So, we start to think, well, maybe they're gonna react poorly, and that's gonna mean something about me. That's gonna mean that I'm less worthy, I'm less valuable, I'm less than or something for this person, and so we're creating this cycle where we're saying yes, just to kind of maintain the relationship, even though it may not be the best relationship because it might be one-sided. 

 

And as we're going through this, you know, as I mentioned, it could be multiple emotions that come up. There could be like, guilt. There could be shame there could be different things like that as well. If we say no. And so in the moment what we're doing or what people are doing is that you're overriding Your Instinct to say no and calling it maturity.

 

No one calls themselves abandonment, they, they label it kindness, dependability, leadership, adulthood. Uh, because the behavior gets socially reinforced, but underneath it all, it really is a form of self-abandonment, which is eroding your self-trust within yourself and the ability to stand for yourself as you move forward. So the real cost in this kind of situation is the erosion of self-trust.

 

Responsibility, driven by fear, is self-abandonment in disguise. So, each override we start to teach the body that the that our instincts aren't safe to follow. Every time we, we hear our internal, “no”, it either. It becomes quieter or we don't understand the the, the emotion to what it's supposed to be for us, right?

 

Because emotions are our signals for us, that's what they're meant to do. They're help. They're meant to help us see if we're on path or off path and what we need to correct or how we're managing a certain situation. So if we’re not labeling the emotion properly, then we're going to misunderstand this what it's trying to tell us in that moment.

 

And so this could come up as anxiety, and we might label the anxiety of, oh, I have to say, yes, or else. But it also could be. I don't want to say yes, but I'm going to say yes, and that's going against me.

 

That's the actual way to hear it, and the way to actually interpret that signal. But over time, as we override it, and the instinct isn't as clear for us, it's not as strong that internal “no” becomes quieter, quieter, and quieter, and then our decision making really becomes externally referenced because we're not listening to it.

 

As this keeps going, our self-trust weakens, and it gets harder to say no instead of saying yes, in those situations, it gets harder to choose for ourselves rather than outsource our decision making because it's the easier path and what we've just been used to doing.

 

And then, as this kind of perpetuates a bit further when you're saying yes, but you want to say no, you're starting to rely on others and how they respond to you to dictate how you feel. We're Outsourcing our emotions. We're outsourcing our worth, our value in response to how other people see us.

 

When you are internally valuable and have a lot to provide, you don't need that external reference. Mind you, as humans, I know many of us do like that. But one thing I will share here right is that if we continue along this path over time, it really does become harder to choose for yourself.

 

It gets harder and harder and harder because you're going closer to the easier path. And then, when we want to say no, then we are flooded by all these emotions. These make signals, and we just don't know how to interpret it in the moment. The one thing I do want to, uh, share, I guess, is that when you do start to stand for yourself, the relationship doesn't collapse.

 

Your internal relationship increases. You start developing more capacity for yourself, and you'll start to see that as you start to stand for yourself and say no instead of saying yes in those moments - you're getting more agency, you're getting more authority in your life.

 

And then, of course, others are gonna move with that and respond differently, potentially, but you have the strength to manage those situations. It's just we haven't done it as much so it can feel a little bit more scary or dangerous. Whatever it is right, and the other thing is that, we might also see that if we start doing this and relationships change that's also a clue and the type of relationship that you've been living within.

 

So, the real key here that we want to integrate is knowing that self-trust is rebuilt by tolerating the emotional weight of, say, no. The first few times we do it when we're used to saying yes, it is going to feel a bit uncomfortable, and that is not- that is not saying that you did anything wrong.

 

It's just new. It's a new response. It's a new behavior that you're doing, and it can be uncomfortable. And that's okay. That's part of our journey is being able to embrace some of the discomfort that comes along the way, and this goes along with recreating our identity. Because when we want to act through our own authentic identity we need to be comfortable with the emotions that we feel when we say no. That is one of the trickier parts. And I do want to reinforce also that, remember that when you say no, another person's reaction does not mean anything about you. You cannot control another person's reaction. You can only speak your truth speak-

 

Be as honest as you can. We cannot control how other people respond to us so. We really want to keep that in the back of our mind, as we're moving forward. Along with this, I also want to share that being reliable, being responsible, that does not make you or equal value. That just puts you in someone else's spoken wheel to see how you can be of benefit to them in their life.

 

And so that's where when becoming more authentic with ourselves and say, no, it doesn't mean you're abandoning the relationship. It just really means that you're strengthening the relationship with yourself and the people that value that and want to see that within you they will still hang around when you start to say no.

 

They will understand along with this, too. I, like, I'm I want to be clear that when we say, no, it's, it's not a big thing. Usually, usually it's, we make it out to be a big a bigger thing than it actually is. And that is just because we’re not used to it and the responses. Now maybe there's some situations where there's, you know, one else where people are a bit, um. more of a loose cannon. We'll call it, and they may not respond properly the way that we want. And that's just where we need to be ready for that as well, too. Um, it's fine, that's. That's how they are. That means nothing about you, right? If that's a repeated behavior, that's all them- that's not you. And so as we go through this, you know, there's, it really becomes the the the ability to tolerate the emotions that you're going to feel as you go through this, and there's going to be some emotions right in the moment. After the the engagement has kind of ended, then there might be further emotions or other thoughts that kind of come in, but as we work through managing our emotions, uh, redirecting our thoughts being mindful of how we're thinking, then we're going to be able to process this a lot quicker every time that we do it.

 

So the more that we do it, the more that we strengthen our our own internal self trust and the ability to continue to act in alignment within ourselves as we continue to move forward.

 

And just a reminder here saying no, does not mean you're abandoning the relationship. It means that you're finally choosing yourself within it. And so I'm going to leave you with this following question; if stopping saying yes feels like it would damage the relationship, what has the relationship been built upon?

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The moment you stop managing everyone else's reaction is the moment you start rebuilding trust within yourself. As always. If something resonated here with you today, let it sit, let it settle. There's no need to start acting on anything really quick today. I hope this was helpful. I hope you have a great rest of your day.

 

And we’ll chat next time.